So, uh..where's this big energy boost everyone talks about?

Seriously? Aren't I supposed to have the most energy like, EVAR right now, being in Day 22 of the Whole30? (sigh) I am exhausted this morning, even though I went to bed at a decent hour.

I don't want to say I'm disappointed in the Whole30, cause it was a worthy experiment either way...but I guess I am a little jealous of the results other people seem to have gotten, that I have not. I'm going to assume a lot of that is because going into the Whole 30 we're not eating that much different than we normally do, minus really being sticklers about the added sugar in things like bacon and avoiding vegetable oils of all kinds. Though, all said and done, the fact that it got me off of Diet Coke is huge.

Anywhine, I'm just being a grump today. I'll do a proper assessment next week when it is all said and done.

In other news, you wouldn't think even a food addict (like me) could have a binge on a diet this restrictive could you?

Nature finds a way, my friend. Nature finds a way.

And this is the part of the Whole30 journey where I waffle between wondering if this kind of diet helps or hurts my food addiction. We spent Saturday evening and all day Sunday at Magic Kingdom/Epcot. It took everything I had on Saturday to resist all the treats. Smells of sweets and baked good everywhere! I know it sounds melodramatic but I don't care. It was torture. But I held strong. I found a restaurant that served a rotisserie chicken and plain green beans for dinner and that was it for the evening. On Sunday, Dave joined us at Epcot. Again, food porn everywhere. But we held fast and went to the Japanese Hibachi restaurant for lunch. The chef was even kind enough to make our veggies/steak/shrimp without soy sauce and give us extra veggies in place of the noodles and rice. What I did afterwards, is what I am not proud of. On the way to Epcot in the morning, I had picked up a container of salted cashews, almonds, and brazil nuts, and a few apples and bananas, since there wasn't anywhere to eat between the hotel and the Park that would be compliant. I just had a couple of handfuls of nuts in the morning and a banana, as did Dave. But that left me with a good portion of the package left for the ride home. By the time we got out of Epcot I was a basket case. I was hungry. I was in a baaaaad place mentally from so badly wanting candied popcorn, or a cookie, or candy, or chocolate. You get the picture. And we wanted to go to Whole Foods and pick up some things we couldn't get locally. So I had an apple in the car on the way to Whole Foods, and a handful of nuts. Then we shopped and I felt worse. There are lots of good choices at Whole Foods, but a metric fuck-ton of bad ones too. I picked up a cup of cut fruit (melon/strawberries) while we were in there, figuring that would be a good snack to tide me over till we got home. Unfortunately for me, my son wanted to drive home with Daddy which left the front seat open. And KABOOM! 

I've probably used this pic before on this blog. Don't care...still fits.

Yup, ate all the rest of the nuts and the cup of fruit. And still had to hit Publix on the way home so I got a Lara Bar. Was I hungry after the first couple handfuls of nuts? Of course not. 

Here's the thought process: I need this. It's Whole30 compliant, so I'm not technically cheating and...

Nope. That's pretty much the whole thought process. So, so sad though, because Dave was driving behind me and it occurred to me that he might be able to see that I was continually eating the nuts. So I stopped. But only long enough to pull ahead of him (he had to stop for tolls, I did not.) and then back to town I went. The Lara Bar at Publix? The shame cycle was in full swing at that point so why the fark not? Text book ED.

I wanted to eat. I wanted to eat, more than I wanted to be fit. I wanted to eat more than I wanted to keep enjoying the flat (for me) belly the Whole30 has produced over the last few days. I wanted to eat more than I wanted to enjoy the feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment I've been feeling while doing this Whole30 . 

(sigh)

It's no big surprise, that the flat belly is gone. Almonds/cashews...are you perhaps not as friendly to my system as I thought you were or was it just the volume? Or the salt? They were really salty. Whatever. The point is that I've been feeling like crap mentally (and physically too, come to think of it) since then. I really want to know why I still have these attacks of disordered eating. (I suppose some might disagree with me calling it a binge, due to lack of total volume, but it was uncontrolled, unnecessary eating) I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that this is how I'm wired and it's going to happen every now and again. But at least now, when it does happen I "binge" on nuts and fruit as opposed to the past where it would have been a trip to McDonalds and some donuts and candy, and who knows what else. So progress, of sorts, has been made...and with hope maybe some more in the future. 

We shall see.

*** OMG you guys, so I was just about finished with this post/pity party when a patron walked up to say hello. (Don't judge, I'm on a break.) She goes on to tell me that she's been looking for me because she wanted to thank me for being such an inspiration to her. She's a food addict too apparently, and she explained how a bunch of things I told her really helped her come to terms with her addiction and make positive changes. She's down 25 pounds so far and continuing to lose. She got teary-eyed explaining how she's had some real stressful things going on in her personal life and wanted to have a pizza binge, but resisted. She had a banana instead and was so very proud of herself, as well she should be. Which given my own mental state at that moment had me in tears, too.

Life sure is funny sometimes.