Actually kinda feeling like both today. (puffs out chest) Found myself with a nice loss this week. FINALLY.Woot!
My morning walking buddy wasn’t feeling well and texted me at 6:00 am that she wasn’t going. I thought for a moment, “Meh, maybe I’ll skip it too.” And then I said to myself, “Self, you’re probably not going to want to go to the gym tonight so’se you can come straight home and spend more time with Husband as he’s leaving late tonight on his motorcycle trip. Annnnd you’ll probably want to go out to eat or something tonight so…GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND GO WALK FAT ASS!!”
And you know what? I did!
I know! I almost tore a muscle patting myself on the back.
As I was packing my lunch I had a weird thought, which I should have recognized as a precursor of things to come. Just a little whisper of a voice that said, “Hey, it’s Friday you know. Why not just screw this packing lunch crap and get something GOOOOOD for lunch? You’ve earned it.” But it was a quiet voice, and not persistent, so I ignored it and packed my Smart Ones Mini-Pizzas and Diet Cokes and apples.
On my way to work I stopped by CVS to get some Claritin. Sweet Tap-dancing Christ on a Cracker! That whisper turned into a motherfucking YELL, “C’MON IT’S FRIDAY! It’s almost vacation time! Hell, your husband is leaving tonight! You’ve been soooooo good for so long. You deserve this. What? You gonna be a pussy and be a slave to everyone who thinks you need to be perfect all the time? Fuck them, go get yourself a big bad of peanut clusters and Ruffles.”
And for the first time, maybe ever, but certainly in a long while, I realized the absurdity of the voice and everything that went with it. I didn’t rationalize with it. I didn’t bargain with it. I just bought my Claritin and other non-food bullshit and walked out the door.
And yes, I was careful to use the other hand to pat myself on the back so as not to develop an overuse injury.
That said, I don’t now where the voice comes from….clearly there is something loose in my head that just craves the fatty foods. Can’t blame it on a salt vs sugar thing because the voice was calling for either. Can’t blame it on being hungry or anything in that range as I had a very well-balanced and healthy breakfast. I’m a little afraid that it might very well be a far more deep rooted psychological issue relating to not wanting the attention that losing weight (ie:looking better) brings. I have my reasons for thinking that which I’ll save for another day…..but for today I would just like to focus on my victories of which there were a few today.
I may be a little coo-coo-crazy-bananas but I’m also starting to feel a lot fitter and general kick-ass-ey. Which is cool.