Tuesday, January 3, 2012

12/29/11 - Melancholy

My husband and son took a road trip to Texas to see my husband’s grandparents. They’ve been gone four days. They should be home late tomorrow or Saturday morning. As predicted, I enjoyed the first couple of days of having the house to myself. It being in the same condition as when I left is a great luxury. But I am over it now and miss my men. No surprises there. 
What I do find odd is the unfamiliar, hard to describe, rather anxiety-like emotion that accompanies them being away. To be honest, it isn’t even constant. I am fine at work or at home. It’s the between-times. I took advantage of the opportunity of being alone and without obligations to leisurely browse the craft store and the mall yesterday evening. For the record, I do not mean to imply in anyway that my husband is a demanding or controlling sort, and having a moment alone is some kind of novelty. Nothing could be further from the truth. But the fact that there was no one at home, in even the most unassuming way, “waiting on me” left me with a vague sense of dread and unease.
It should also be noted that I regularly travel and am away for the weekend from my son and/or husband. Doesn’t bother me a bit. I enjoy, nay require the time alone to preserve my sanity and sense of self.
But being in home territory, knowing that it mattered to none, nor would it be known where I went or what I did? That was not something my psyche enjoyed. To many, I imagine the situation would inspire feelings of freedom. But to me, I imagined myself, as I sat in the mall bathroom, not as a balloon soaring free into the sky…but as an untethered, half-filled balloon whose weight of its string is holding it back from taking full advantage of what little helium it has left.  
Holy crapballs! I didn’t realize until I typed it out how differently that metaphor could be interpreted. For the record, my son and husband are my helium. With them around, I receive the support and love that both keeps me grounded and lets me soar. (They don’t make my voice sound funny) They are not the string holding me back from enjoying my helium (life). Just want that to be clear.
You know, maybe I should just stay away from metaphors.
But the point is, I’m not sure what this says about me. I think it is equal parts; I really love and appreciate my little family (which is great) and that I am terrified of being alone.

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