So I guess this is how eating disorders are created.

Looking back on the time before I came to grips with my Food Addiction, I felt as if  I had a kind of body image issue that would be reverse of those I've heard anorexics and bulimics suffer. My understanding is that oftentimes, when an extremely underweight anorexic looks in the mirror they still see themselves as fat. I, on the other hand, could not see, even in a full length mirror (cause yeah, I did own one) how big I had become. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think I was skinny, mind you. Just, I don't know...zaftig, maybe? It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and not coincidentally started paying closer attention to some recent photos that I really saw it.

The crazy thing now is that I will look at myself in certain pictures from back then and specifically remember thinking I looked pretty dang good. And let me tell you my friends, I most certainly did not. And it's not just me. My buddy Dani, who has lost at least 90lbs in the past couple of years, says she has suffered from the same phenomenon.

And now? Now, some days we both "feel" fatter than we ever did when we were 75-90lbs heavier. That just makes all kinds of sense doesn't it? <sigh> I think for me anyways, it's about the fact that, initially, I just wanted to not be the fattest girl in the room anymore. I just wanted to be small enough to blend in. Nothing real specific in terms of body shape/size/strength/fitness. In fact my initial goal weight was 180lbs. I knew from past experience I looked pretty good there, and it was maintainable in my mind. In other words, the bar wasn't set that high...or low. Whatever. To put it in perspective, the concept of only have five or ten pounds  to lose was laughable to me. I didn't ever imagine getting to that point. More importantly, I couldn't imagine caring about just an extra  five or ten pounds.

But ....now that is where I find myself. I have friends who have quite literally said, "So you're not going to lose any more right?" And my thought is "Hell yeah, dear Lord! Do you not see all the fat still on me!" I have become one of "those women." The everyday ones, who sure, they weren't models, but whose bodies I literally would have given a pinky finger to have swapped bodies with two years ago. And now it's not enough. And I obsess.

What's gotten me this far into the journey (and is sustaining me) is my new found love for being fit and all the cool things you can do when you are. And that love of fitness has enlightened me to just how much physical potential I have. For the first time in my life, strong abs, killer arms, running a decent 5K pace, etc are actually within my reach. They're not something "for other people." Which is awesome. 

Mostly.

What bothers me just a bit is that, this new found attitiude...the expectations as mentioned in my last post

can result disappointment when they are not met. Just blending in isn't good enough anymore. Now I want to be the fittest in the room. 

So I'm putting pressure on myself. And obsessing about Primal eating 24/7. At which point do I chill out and accept that it's the journey, not destination? Part of me feels as if it is what it is, I'm a food addict I always will be a food addict and channeling the need to binge into as positive a mode as I can (reading obsessing about nutrition and fitness) is the best I can do. Of course the other part  of me wonders if I am healed enough to do as the other Primals do and stop counting calories/carbs. Ditch the scale completely. Eat what I am supposed to eat and let it go and move on with my life.

I am absolutely terrified that if I do this I will gain the weight back faster than you can eat a cupcake.

So for now I'm going to keep on keeping on. Keep reading. Keep journaling. I kind of wish I had something else going on in my life to distract me...and by something else I mean something fun. Not, ya know, my paid and unpaid "work." But I don't. And maybe that is for a reason.

Maybe.

I am.....Bat Girl.

So Dave and I have a reputation amongst the folks who run the Pangea Adventure Races. As the fastest team? Uh, no. Most efficient? Not likely. Friendliest? I'd like to think so, but not what I'm getting at. We, as the Out of Steam Punks, are known as being the Team most likely to ham it up for the Team Photos. I have no idea why we would have that reputation.

So. yeah.

The Superhero AR was last weekend. All I can say is, thank goodness we have a nine year old son at home.

Ya know Bat Girl's alter ego is a Librarian, right? 

In my opinion, it was an extremely competitive, fast race. We ended up in 11th place out of 45 teams. Without a doubt it was our best race in terms of personal speed. We ran, ok...jogged, the entire Trek portion for the first time ever and were way stronger on the paddle than we ever have been before. I seriously credit that to the Crossfit-style workouts we've been doing all summer. The bike was the bike. I didn't feel slow, but I don't think I was any faster than I had been in the past. It just goes to prove how every race is different, from the challenges of the course itself, to the competition. Without a doubt had we performed at other races this year the way we did Saturday I know we would have top three-ed. (yes, that's a word) But that's what makes the ARs so fun, they are always different and it's not always the most fit or the smartest that win in the end. 

Which brings us to our latest conundrum. When we first started doing the ARs we felt so incredibly outclassed in terms of speed/fitness in relation to the other teams. Any success we had was met with elation and incredulousness. Now, well...we want to top three. And can actually see it happening if we keep working on our speed. We actually had a faster Trek (foot) time than any of the teams that beat us. But they all gained a few minutes on us during the canoe and bike. We lost some precious minutes during the canoe portion when another team crashed into us and made us tip over. Not really their fault, well kinda...but not really. It was an extremely narrow portion of the river and the current was strong..and well, rubbing is racing my friends. The dip was very refreshing, I can tell you that.

This would be pre-crash...in the area where I am pretty sure we heard banjo music playing.

 On the bike portion we did lose a few minutes to a couple of quickly caught navigational errors. That's not a dig on Dave. He's the bomb-diggety with the map and we wouldn't have 1/10 of the success we have had if he wasn't the one holding the map. 

But about that conundrum...when we first started we didn't care how we placed, it was all about just having fun. Which it still is, mostly. But it's also a little about trying to place as high as we can now, too. I guess what I am saying is that we care now. And sometimes it kinda sucks to care because then you actually have expectations. Which can result in disappointment when those expectations are not met. Which even though we haven't really admitted it to each other, I know we felt just a little disappointed with just finishing 11th on Saturday. 

That said, we are still crazy proud of each other and all of the physical gains (or losses as the case may be) we've made in the past year. And the slight disappointment or doubt wasn't anything a couple of beers couldn't chase away.

That's healthy, right?

Grok Feast

Inspired by Mark's Daily Apple, or more specifically; inspired by a contest to win a whole cow worth of meat from Mark's Daily Apple, my buddy Dani and I decided to rally the troops and put together our own Grok Feast.

We had it in my backyard. Also known at the St Sebastian River Preserve State Park. The Park rocks for many reasons, but one of them is the fact that they have hills. In South Florida! Can you believe it? They are there from digging out a ginormous canal. So we hiked and raced up them.

Wonder Woman ain't got nothing on us!

The Happy Hikers

And we tossed a ball at each other. Not so much with the catching, as it was a 10lb workout ball. The boys did some redneck sledding down the hill on a cooler top and rubbermaid box lid. Don't judge. We don't get snow. Ever. It's the best we can do.

We switched out to a lighter ball and played some kickball. Which was good fun. The grass was so long it made finding the bases particularly difficult, so some plays devolved into something reminiscent of Calvin-Ball.

And we ate. 

A lot.

I'll post details when the video and photo essay are done. But suffice it to say we ate Primally and we ate GOOD!

Oh, and Dave and I had an Adventure Race on Saturday, which rickety-rocked. I'll post a race report when I get the Team pics back. Stay tuned. Or don't. I'll still be here. Waiting to share my life with you. No pressure or anything.

It doesn't have to look good to taste good.

As I have probably mentioned, while Full Gorilla Fitness is on hiatus, Dave and I  and another couple from the group have been meeting a couple of times a week to continue our (beginner) Crossfit workouts. Yesterday was the usual warm-up and then four rounds of 10 tuck jumps, 10 pushups, and 10 situps.

We had supervision.

I usually put her back in the pasture or barn when they come over, but I was running late. She stood there the whole time looking at us like we were idiots. She's probably not wrong. Dave says she should be our mascot and we'll call ourselves, "Bad Horse Fitness." Bonus interweb-culture points if you got that reference.

Dinner last night was a Shredded Chicken I made in the crockpot. Throw in the chicken breasts, a jar of salsa, whatever spices handy and set on low all day. The recipe I used called for adding a 1/2 cup of coconut milk 30 minutes before serving. Served it up with some cauliflower rice. Yummers! Oh, cauliflower is there nothing you can't do?

Even after all that I was still wanting to nosh, so I put together this lovely plate.

Diarrhea and pee, with a side of human flesh.

Seriously, could that look any grosser? But it totally hit the spot and was totally Primal. Like, totally.

Super-Mega-Bonus Points if you can guess what is actually in the photo. I assure you I am neither a cannibal nor a fecalpheliac.

I'm going to be a star!

In my mind. My mom thinks I'm pretty.

Getting fired up over all the contests they are posting over at Mark's Daily Apple. I've been toying with the idea of doing a cooking video just for shits and giggles so why not? My triathlon buddy Dani also wants to give the Grokfeast contest a go too. Food, friends, fun? Why the hell not, I say?

I'm only posting this here to keep myself on task. If I don't announce it, I'll forget about it. And I wanna win some swag dang it!

Still working on what I'll make for the cooking video. I'm not very original and pretty much use other people's recipes. Especially lately. Which I think would kind of defeat the purpose, so I need to come up with something different. I'm thinking something local.....

You know you've been eating Paleo/Primal for awhile when your first reaction to the deer outside your kitchen window is "Yum!" instead of, "Daaaaaaaaaw!"

Getting Dirty

Whelp, my cold turned into a sinus infection so I made like a 90s baseball player and roided up...and anti-biotic-ed...uh, up(?). Wasn't going to let it stop me from participating in the Dirty Foot Adventure Race on Saturday. It is held in beautiful East Bumblefuck, I mean Ft Meade, Florida. I'm not kidding about the beautiful part at all, though I think I may have heard banjo music. Then again someone from Fellsmere, Florida, home of the Frog Leg Festival, does not have much room to talk.

Pre-Race: Yup, that's me in just a sports bra. In public. I really had no farks to give that day. I'm going to blame it on the drugs.

Anymud, the Dirty Foot was a 10K Obstacle/Adventure Run. I've never done a Tough Mudder, but I have done a Warrior Dash. I can say for sure that the obstacles were much more challenging at the Dirty Foot than the WD. From talk around camp, they were more on par with the Tough Mudder. There were three I couldn't complete at all. Whatevs. I made like a Cub Scout and Did My Best. I surprised myself on a couple of them. This whole my-body-doing-stuff-I-ask-it-to-thing really never gets old.

Yes, I literally made this pose and grunted when I completed a particularly scary rope climb. It wouldn't be the only time that day Dave pretended not to know me.

We ended up finishing in the bottom first 1/3 of the pack, which I was really happy with...I cracked the whip and kept Dave chugging along and wouldn't let him lolly-gag between obstacles.

To finish you had to jump off of that dock and swim across the pond. It was REALLY freakin' high.

One of the most original obstacles was called Foot Fungus. You had to crawl under wire, on top of plastic that appeared to be covered with the end results of a hundred porn films and by that I don't mean sadness and lost dreams. We're going to go ahead and assume it was hair conditioner. Dear God, please let it have been hair conditioner.

Later that evening we went out to celebrate a friend's birthday. Let me say that cold medicine, a heavy workout, not a lot of food, and some Mich Ultras make Patti a pretty cheap date. It also made for one heck of a duet of "Tiny Dancer" in an IHop at 2:00am. (that would be the 2nd time that day Dave pretended he didn't know me.)

This...This is the opposite of healthy.

(sigh) First the Shingles and now a cold. To be fair, I used to get colds every other month it seemed, but I haven't had once since last August. So I'm due, I guess. But I thought that going Primal was supposed to turn me into super-woman! Gah!

Ok, I know, not really. But it does seem a bit counter-productive that as soon as I try to kick it up to the next level health-wise I get sick. I was starting to get a bit bummed out about it. Naturally I started poking around the internets and now I'm kinda wondering if this is all related to the Carb Flu and/or toxins being released by the dying of extra yeast in my gut from eating too many carbs/sugars in the past. Seems plausible. Explains why I've been feeling tired in the afternoons as well. Most folks experience these things in the first 2-3 weeks, but anecdotal evidence via the forums seems to confirm that effects can be felt into the first 4-6 weeks into the lifestyle. At which point just about everyone swears you'll feel great. We'll see. I'm definitely not giving up on this as the Shingles and cold could just as easily be chalked up to coincidence/bad luck. I'm not eating that low of carbs (I shoot for 100g a day) and I'm taking a Multi-Vitamin now along with my fish oil so I really don't see how it is a deficiency of any kind.

Alright, enough with the most boring post ever....here is a picture of a tree frog I found in my barn.

All glory to hypnotoad!