I Said No To A Cupcake Today

There were donuts at work yesterday. I had to walk by them twice. I did not even lift the top of the box to see what kind they were. I just kept on walking. That's not the first time I've done that this year, but it's still special.

Today one of the IT guys brought in huge chocolate-with-cream-cheese-icing cupcakes. He was practically shoving them down my throat and I kept trying to say no. But I was wavering. When I asked what the little drawings on the cupcakes were (they looked like either light bulbs or hot air balloons) he explained that they were supposed to be jars or vials or something. He had ordered them for the Diablo 3 party that his brother was supposed to have, but canceled. So the cupcakes had been in the freezer at the bakery for the past week at least. Until he picked them up and brought them to work.

I am not going to waste good points on bad cupcakes. I have my standards, dang it.

Sure enough, one of my work-friends IMed just a little after this exchange saying they were stale and gross.

Phew.

There is place in my diet for cupcakes and cookies and birthday cake. That's the beauty of Weight Watchers or any other calorie counting, non-restrictive plan. But not everyday.  And I only spend my points on the goodies if they are in fact, good.

That's a funny thing about making the lifestyle change to healthier eating. Your taste buds really do adjust. Simpler, less high fat/high calorie foods really do start to taste a bit better. The big pay-off, besides the obvious health/fitness, is that when you do have a treat it tastes so much better than it did in the past. Because it's just that, a treat. Not just a part of your everyday. 

What I Typically Eat During the Week

Breakfast

Ok, first off...I know breakfast is the best time of the day to eat your carbs. However I have realized that unless I have a protein-rich breakfast I am going to be starving by lunch time. Snacking a lot does not work for me for several reasons so I go with what keeps me full the longest.


At least three days out of the week I have four slices of original (not the thick-cut) Oscar Meyer Center Cut Bacon. That's only two points of bacony-goodness. With it, I'll have three egg whites (one point). A few days ago I started making a pancake out of 2 1/2 tablespoons of Arbonne Chocolate Protein Powder, one egg, 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder, one tsp of olive oil, and one tblsp of water. This makes a four point pancake, on which I then add two tablespoons of sugar-free syrup for another point. For five points, I can satisfy a craving for carbs without actually eating them.

If I don't have time to make my precious, precious bacon I'll have an 8oz protein shake made with milk (five points) or a Clif bar. Occasionally, I'll have oatmeal. I wish I could love oatmeal as much as I should, but I just don't.

Lunch

I try to stay away from processed/preservative-laden/can't read the ingredient list foods as much as possible. I rarely have them at breakfast and even rarer at dinner. But I have a hard time completely eliminating them from my weekday lunches. My typical lunch at work looks like this:

That's some salad greens with mushrooms and cucumber, a bit of the Salad Spritz for dressing, a Mini-Babybell Cheese, some grapes and a Lean Pocket.

I'll sub in a pita with a low-sodium ham or turkey, or tuna onto the salad or on some whole wheat bread...but more often than not I go with the Lean Pocket. As a Food Addict, finishing a meal feeling satisfied (notice I didn't say "full." Two very different concepts) is incredibly important for me. If I go too long without eating something that leaves me feeling satisifed, then I set myself up for a binge. 

   

So, I sacrifice my attempts at clean eating a bit in the effort of not losing it completely.

With my lunch I drink water, Sobe zero calorie flavored waters or Sparkling Ice. It's not naturally flavored like Sobe, (splenda, I believe) which stinks...but I have to mix it up every once in awhile.

Afternoon Snack

On the way home from work I usually drink a bottle of water and eat a handful of baby carrots. This goes along way towards keeping me from raiding the cabinets while I am waiting for dinner. If I really can't wait, I usually keep the 90 calorie Fiber One bars around for an emergency. 

Dinner

Lots of stir-fries! We used to make a tofu stir-fry at least once a week. Super filling and yummy but crazy low in calories. And then I found out that soy and thyroid issues are not a good mix. I have Hasimoto's and had half of my thyroid removed several years ago, when I grew an orange sized...thing. What is it with me and fruit-sized growths? Anyhoodles, I'm on Synthroid, so no more soy stuff for me. So we just use chicken and shrimp now. Lots of broccolli, zucchinni, onion, mushrooms whatevers in the fridge, really.

We also often sautee Tilapia or make the old baked-chicken-breasts-in-mushroom soup and serve that with Jasmine or Basmati rice and some sort of green vegetable. Lately, we've really been digging the Banging Good Shrimp from the Skinny Taste site

That recipe introduced me to Sriracha and has changed my life. I should have listened to the Oatmeal sooner. His homage to Sriracha.

What I'm Gaining By Losing

I can get on my horse from the ground with ease.

It's somehow much easier to swing my leg over my motorcycle.

My bath towels fit all the way around my body.

My everyday, chronic back pain is completely gone.

I can shop in any store.

I can wear shorts and belts.

I fit in those molded plastic patio chairs without my fat spilling out the sides or fear of breaking them.

I don't have to order extra wide boots to fit over my calf.

I can run from the barn to the house for something without getting winded, same goes for running upstairs at work.

I don't have to worry about weight limits stopping me from participating in certain activities. (zip lines, horseback tours, etc)

I don't fear not fitting properly on amusement park rides.

I can jump and dance around with the kids at work without fear of the jiggling traumatizing them.

Airplane seats suddenly got a lot bigger.

I don't live in fear of being filmed from behind by a local news crew reporting on the obesity epidemic.

I'm starting to be able to cash the checks  my inner bad-ass has always wanted to write.

It's Cantaloupe Day!

Today is the first anniversary of the day I decided to get fit. One year ago today I had a hysterectomy and a cantaloupe-sized ovarian cyst removed. The cancer scare alone was enough to have me thinking that I needed to get my act together health-wise. But it wasn't until those first days after surgery when everything clicked. Those of you who have fought food addiction, or any other addiction for that matter, know exactly what I am talking about. You tell yourself every morning that you're going to quit smoking, or eat better, or quit drinking, but until you are truly ready, every day ends the same way. If you are lucky though, one day you become ready...some have to hit their proverbial rock bottom first, some don't. But some way, some how, that click has to happen. No amount of cajoling or lecturing from anyone can force it.

Sitting at home in the week or two after the surgery, I was feeling as weak and worthless as I have ever felt. Though I had been holding on to 250 + lbs for several years, its affects on my life were very gradual. I credit my Eastern European heritage (Strong, like bull) with letting me get away with carrying so much extra weight for so long. However, in the past year or so it had really begun to slow me down and effect what I could or could not do, be it on vacations or in every day life. Pair that with the kick-in-the-ass that major abdominal surgery is, and you had me at my weakest. Then I saw a commercial for Nike or something like it. Just a montage of women running and climbing.

CLICK.

I. Want. That.

Not her body, but the ability. The potential to run and jump and do things...gracefully, effortlessly, and without pain.

And that is what this past year (and the future) is about. It's not about the size of the pants, or if I'm a hot momma. It's about my body working for me, and not against me. I started having dreams about running and climbing. In the dreams, I was light as a feather, yet strong. I was an athlete.

So I started doing Weight Watcher's online and I committed myself to at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio every day. Variety in my workouts and Adventure Racing keeps me motivated.

As of today, I have lost 65 lbs but I have gained so much more.

Andie Mitchell of the blog, "Can You Stay For Dinner?" did a series of posts about what you gain from losing. It's fantastic. Go read it. http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/what-i-miss-from-135lbs-ago/

And then come back tomorrow and read my personal version of those sentiments.

Have a great Cantaloupe Day!

Tales from the Scales

But first.....

......size 12s, baby!!! Yeah-ya!

OK, fine they are still a little muffin-toppy, hence a loose shirt today, but I really needed another pair of pants and I wasn't going to waste money on another pair of 14s. 

That said, let me tell you a little story about the scale and how ridiculous I am, and probably how most of us are about what it tells us. As I am sure I have mentioned before I am an everyday weigh-er. However, it only counts on Wednesdays, which is when I record it in my WW app. Not surprisingly my weight fluctuates every day in a pretty predictable pattern. Starting on Weigh-In Wednesday, it gets lower on Thursday, lower still on Friday, spikes back up through the weekend and drops again on Tuesday and Wednesday. But then last week I stayed at exactly 190.0 for about 5 days straight. Which I thought extremely odd. Then my college buddy came into town and I did not weight myself at all till Monday. A Monday that followed a weekend of using up all of my weekly and activity points and then some. Scale still read 190.0.

Ok, clearly something is amiss. So I started fussing with the scale, took the batteries in and out and ended up with numbers from 189.9 to 194.5 At which point I figured I must need new batteries. While at Target picking up the batteries, I saw a cheap dial scale and figured, "Why not pick it up for back-up?" So I brought it to work, followed the directions for calibration and it says I weight 215 lbs.

What? What? WHAAAAT? (insert Kyle's Mom's voice here)

I...I can't really still be over 200lbs, can I? Has the other scale been really off for a long time maybe? What if? No. That's silly, I have to be somewhere in the low 190s. Don't exactly know where but.....I couldn't possibly be? Could I?

(head shake)

So what exactly do I weigh? Honestly, for a few minutes I felt panicked. But I talked myself down off the ledge fairly quickly when it dawned on me: What in-all-that-is-holy does it freakin' matter? I'm (almost) fitting into size 12 jeans, my 14s are loose. In terms of fitness I am in better shape right now than I have ever been in my entire life. I surprise myself weekly with what my body has been accomplishing. And I'm going to give myself an anxiety attack over a number? No, sir. That is NOT what this past year has been about.

Now THAT said, of course I got new batteries for the scale. Let's not get crazy here, it's not like I am going to just throw the scale away. It is a very good tool for making sure I stay on top of things. 

But a number does not define me. My accomplishments and behavior are what define me.

Old habits die hard

An old college buddy visited for a long (though entirely too short) weekend. Even though we did a fair amount of physical activity (a challenging zipline/obstacle course one day, over 8 miles hiked another) we ate out a lot. Even though Kelly is a very health-minded person she was understandably in vacation-mode. Which was hard for me in a couple of ways. Sometimes I made the right choices, but then I felt like I might make her feel guilty for her's by comparison...or in order to not feel like I was acting "better than her" I would make an indulgent choice. Clearly, the answer is to make the right choice. A real friend, which she most certainly is, understands my food choices and is in fact quite proud of me.

It was very enlightening to realize in retrospect how much of our relationship in the past revolved around food...and how easy we find ourselves rationalizing our choices. I remember in the past (and sure enough, again this weekend) we'd both say "Well, we surely walked off so many calories walking around the mall, or hiking (etc) we totally deserve this (insert indulgent food here)."

I grew up having the same conversation with my mother and even just to myself. What I realize now is that my body doesn't "earn" indulgent food. I think, perhaps, I should view it as the opposite. My body earns, or deserves good food. Indulgent food is actually a punishment for it. Now, don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree there is nothing wrong with a little something-something outside your usual caloric/fat/whatever choices. But I need to make sure that that something is something I really want. And it needs to be indulged in really infrequently.

Through Saturday afternoon I had been making really good choices. We were at the mall and she suggested a Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel. I agreed and it was wonderful. I savored every bit of it. And had that been it, there would be nothing to feel guilty about. But of course we ended up going bowling that night, which led to bowling alley fries and the next you thing you know I'm having another burger and more fries for lunch the next day. By yesterday evening I felt like crap mentally and physically. Mostly mentally. I couldn't believe I'd let myself slip into those old habits.

But it's a new day. I'm proud of how many meals I didn't go whole-hog on, and in a bizarre way I am actually glad I feel so guilty about the bad choices I made. Because in the past I would not have felt bad at all. I'd just default to "Oh, I'll just start eating better later." or even worse and most likely, not even realize how very bad the choices even were. Looking up Point Values while out to eat continues to be such an eye opener to me. We played "What's the worse things you can order?" game several times and it never fails to blow my mind.

We went to breakfast this morning before I went to work and she headed for the airport. I made good choices and I'll be running at lunch today, just in case this evening gets too busy. I enjoyed my friend's visit immensely, but  my body and mind are ready to get back to routine.

Before and Currently

A little 'Before' action for you. This was taken a few years ago but is pretty representative of where I was a year ago. I held on to 250lbs for several years. With my former amount of activity and intake, my body maintained that weight happily. (in a perverse way)

At last month's Adventure Race about 195. I've been playing with same 5lbs for the past month. 194 is the lowest I have gotten thus far. I am committed now to getting to 180 for May 9th. That date is the one year anniversary of my hysterectomy and cantelope removal that inspired this transition to a new, fit lifestyle. 

I'm not going to lie, like everyone else I want to lose weight and get fit as fast as possible, but at the same time I knew my only hope in truly being successful was in doing it slowly. Via a lifestyle change, not a diet. Have I gotten frustrated at the pace at times? Hells yeah! But I also know that those who take it off slowly have a much higher success rate in terms of keeping it off. I know now and accept that I will always have to journal my food. I always have to get in at least 30 minutes of real exercise 5-6 days a week. (strolls/leisure hikes don't really count)

And that's ok. A few years ago I had half of my thyroid taken out and I have to take Synthroid every day too. It is what it is. There is no end to this process, well other than ya know, death.

And of course the fringe benefit, beyond a longer, more productive life is that I can do stuff now! I don't have to research the Zip Line or Trail Riding Outfit ahead of time to find out if I am within their weight restrictions. I'm doing mother-loving Adventure RACES! Fairly well, even! I can get on my horse from the ground like it ain't no thing.  A year ago with a mounting block I was struggling. Ass is seriously being kicked. By me.

I'd like to amend that old "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" saying. You can take your skinny and your size 0 pants and shove it. 

Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels.