An old college buddy visited for a long (though entirely too short) weekend. Even though we did a fair amount of physical activity (a challenging zipline/obstacle course one day, over 8 miles hiked another) we ate out a lot. Even though Kelly is a very health-minded person she was understandably in vacation-mode. Which was hard for me in a couple of ways. Sometimes I made the right choices, but then I felt like I might make her feel guilty for her's by comparison...or in order to not feel like I was acting "better than her" I would make an indulgent choice. Clearly, the answer is to make the right choice. A real friend, which she most certainly is, understands my food choices and is in fact quite proud of me.
It was very enlightening to realize in retrospect how much of our relationship in the past revolved around food...and how easy we find ourselves rationalizing our choices. I remember in the past (and sure enough, again this weekend) we'd both say "Well, we surely walked off so many calories walking around the mall, or hiking (etc) we totally deserve this (insert indulgent food here)."
I grew up having the same conversation with my mother and even just to myself. What I realize now is that my body doesn't "earn" indulgent food. I think, perhaps, I should view it as the opposite. My body earns, or deserves good food. Indulgent food is actually a punishment for it. Now, don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree there is nothing wrong with a little something-something outside your usual caloric/fat/whatever choices. But I need to make sure that that something is something I really want. And it needs to be indulged in really infrequently.
Through Saturday afternoon I had been making really good choices. We were at the mall and she suggested a Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel. I agreed and it was wonderful. I savored every bit of it. And had that been it, there would be nothing to feel guilty about. But of course we ended up going bowling that night, which led to bowling alley fries and the next you thing you know I'm having another burger and more fries for lunch the next day. By yesterday evening I felt like crap mentally and physically. Mostly mentally. I couldn't believe I'd let myself slip into those old habits.
But it's a new day. I'm proud of how many meals I didn't go whole-hog on, and in a bizarre way I am actually glad I feel so guilty about the bad choices I made. Because in the past I would not have felt bad at all. I'd just default to "Oh, I'll just start eating better later." or even worse and most likely, not even realize how very bad the choices even were. Looking up Point Values while out to eat continues to be such an eye opener to me. We played "What's the worse things you can order?" game several times and it never fails to blow my mind.
We went to breakfast this morning before I went to work and she headed for the airport. I made good choices and I'll be running at lunch today, just in case this evening gets too busy. I enjoyed my friend's visit immensely, but my body and mind are ready to get back to routine.
Showing posts with label food issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food issues. Show all posts
Monday, April 23, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
There Are No Good Antonyms For Self-Control
If there were, the title of this post would be "Revisiting the Land of ____." As it stands I did not think "Revisiting the Land of No Self-Control" had a very good ring to it.
I'd been feeling a binge coming for the past week or two. Generally speaking, I don't deny myself things, so I'd tried to satisfy the cravings in a healthy-way. But that was the problem. I wasn't craving a particular thing. There was no "taste" for anything in particular that I was looking for, but instead a desire to eat without consequence. To make or buy the types of foods I have generally tried my best to avoid completely. The processed stuff, the items with ridiculously high caloric and/or fat values. Quite honestly I miss them not. Usually. And that's because I have become really good at finding foods that are healthy and filling and (most importantly) make me happy.
But something in my addict brain tripped the past week or two. I want to be healthy and fit now more than ever. That desire has not waned. But running right alongside it recently has been the desire to eat. A lot. And not the foods that I know are best for me. I talked to a couple of friends about it. One even said, "Well, maybe you should just go ahead and have a cheat day. Get it out of your system." I disagreed, thinking it might make things worse. Though the choice I made was even worse in retrospect. I could not escape the desire, so for the past week I've indulged it...a little at a time. Portion sizes were bigger than they should have been when we got take-out on Thursday. Mashed potatoes instead of just veggies at dinner and then a shared desert on Saturday night, when I knew there'd be some beer drinking going on as well. A not "healthy" choice of entree when were out to lunch Sunday. None of the meals were really bad, and quite frankly on their own, amongst my usual meals, they would have been no big deal. A few weekly points used, but no big thing. But I was doing it at many of my meals over the past week. And then Dave had to drive a friend down to Miami last night, leaving Holden and I on our own for dinner.
We got a bag of pizza rolls and a box of those TGI Fridays potato skins. Granted, they weren't the "Family" sized bags/boxes, but still. We split the pizza rolls, but I ate all the potato skins myself. We bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. He ate 3, I ate the rest over the course of the evening.
By the end of the pizza rolls and cupcakes, I wasn't remotely hungry or even enjoying it. It was as if I trying to punish myself, force feeding myself the remaining cupcakes. "Fine! You want to be a pig? Eat ALL the fucking cupcakes, Porker!"
Wow...got a little dark there.
And of course, I did the perennial binge-behavior: tried to bury the evidence in the garbage so my husband would not see what I had done. Why? I have no idea. He doesn't monitor what I eat. He's a great supporter of my fitness and weight loss efforts, but he is most certainly not one to criticize or question my methods.The worst I might realistically expect to hear is "Why didn't you save any for me?"
But that's the thing isn't it? If he was around I would not have bought the cupcakes. I wouldn't have bought the pizza rolls or potato skins either. I know I am working on improving my health and fitness for myself, not for him. But why is it his presence that keeps me on task? Granted, I workout everyday whether he knows it or not. But the food issue? When I do succumb to binges, it's when he's not around. And that's always been the case.
Why?
All that said, I feel good today. Made good choices for breakfast and lunch and fully expect to do so tonight. Ran 2.5 miles at lunch and have to teach the PreSchool Fitness class this afternoon. I feel....back on track. Almost...relieved. Maybe there is something to be said for my friend's advice, though I am still skeptical.
Only time will tell.
I'd been feeling a binge coming for the past week or two. Generally speaking, I don't deny myself things, so I'd tried to satisfy the cravings in a healthy-way. But that was the problem. I wasn't craving a particular thing. There was no "taste" for anything in particular that I was looking for, but instead a desire to eat without consequence. To make or buy the types of foods I have generally tried my best to avoid completely. The processed stuff, the items with ridiculously high caloric and/or fat values. Quite honestly I miss them not. Usually. And that's because I have become really good at finding foods that are healthy and filling and (most importantly) make me happy.
But something in my addict brain tripped the past week or two. I want to be healthy and fit now more than ever. That desire has not waned. But running right alongside it recently has been the desire to eat. A lot. And not the foods that I know are best for me. I talked to a couple of friends about it. One even said, "Well, maybe you should just go ahead and have a cheat day. Get it out of your system." I disagreed, thinking it might make things worse. Though the choice I made was even worse in retrospect. I could not escape the desire, so for the past week I've indulged it...a little at a time. Portion sizes were bigger than they should have been when we got take-out on Thursday. Mashed potatoes instead of just veggies at dinner and then a shared desert on Saturday night, when I knew there'd be some beer drinking going on as well. A not "healthy" choice of entree when were out to lunch Sunday. None of the meals were really bad, and quite frankly on their own, amongst my usual meals, they would have been no big deal. A few weekly points used, but no big thing. But I was doing it at many of my meals over the past week. And then Dave had to drive a friend down to Miami last night, leaving Holden and I on our own for dinner.
We got a bag of pizza rolls and a box of those TGI Fridays potato skins. Granted, they weren't the "Family" sized bags/boxes, but still. We split the pizza rolls, but I ate all the potato skins myself. We bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. He ate 3, I ate the rest over the course of the evening.
By the end of the pizza rolls and cupcakes, I wasn't remotely hungry or even enjoying it. It was as if I trying to punish myself, force feeding myself the remaining cupcakes. "Fine! You want to be a pig? Eat ALL the fucking cupcakes, Porker!"
Wow...got a little dark there.
And of course, I did the perennial binge-behavior: tried to bury the evidence in the garbage so my husband would not see what I had done. Why? I have no idea. He doesn't monitor what I eat. He's a great supporter of my fitness and weight loss efforts, but he is most certainly not one to criticize or question my methods.The worst I might realistically expect to hear is "Why didn't you save any for me?"
But that's the thing isn't it? If he was around I would not have bought the cupcakes. I wouldn't have bought the pizza rolls or potato skins either. I know I am working on improving my health and fitness for myself, not for him. But why is it his presence that keeps me on task? Granted, I workout everyday whether he knows it or not. But the food issue? When I do succumb to binges, it's when he's not around. And that's always been the case.
Why?
All that said, I feel good today. Made good choices for breakfast and lunch and fully expect to do so tonight. Ran 2.5 miles at lunch and have to teach the PreSchool Fitness class this afternoon. I feel....back on track. Almost...relieved. Maybe there is something to be said for my friend's advice, though I am still skeptical.
Only time will tell.
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