Banishing the scale

Well, more like putting it in time out. For the past year and half or so I've been a daily weigh-er. I know, I know, a lot of folks disagree with it. For a long time I've felt like I was one of those special people (I'm special, alright) who can use it like the tool it is and not let it adversely effect their outlook on a daily basis. That said, my weight swings wildly throughout the week, especially as I inch closer to goal weight. As a result, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that lately the number on the scale in the morning, most certainly has, at least temporarily, totally been effecting my attitude. My husband called me on it a few weeks ago and he is right. (There ya go, honey. You've got it in writing.)

So I put the scale away. I'll bring it out once a week, of course. Let's not get crazy here. But no more daily weigh-ins for a couple of weeks at least. You see, I hesitate because I feel as if not weighing myself and keeping myself in constant check will result in me ballooning back up again. Immediately. Like...POOF! The rationale mind tells me, "You're still journaling all your food.That is all you need." But the stupid part of my brain clings to the familiar and easy to understand. The stupid part of my brain is going in time out with the scale for awhile.

In other news I got to wear this at work last night. Pajama Time, don't you know.

You are so insanely jealous right now. I know it.

I Said No To A Cupcake Today

There were donuts at work yesterday. I had to walk by them twice. I did not even lift the top of the box to see what kind they were. I just kept on walking. That's not the first time I've done that this year, but it's still special.

Today one of the IT guys brought in huge chocolate-with-cream-cheese-icing cupcakes. He was practically shoving them down my throat and I kept trying to say no. But I was wavering. When I asked what the little drawings on the cupcakes were (they looked like either light bulbs or hot air balloons) he explained that they were supposed to be jars or vials or something. He had ordered them for the Diablo 3 party that his brother was supposed to have, but canceled. So the cupcakes had been in the freezer at the bakery for the past week at least. Until he picked them up and brought them to work.

I am not going to waste good points on bad cupcakes. I have my standards, dang it.

Sure enough, one of my work-friends IMed just a little after this exchange saying they were stale and gross.

Phew.

There is place in my diet for cupcakes and cookies and birthday cake. That's the beauty of Weight Watchers or any other calorie counting, non-restrictive plan. But not everyday.  And I only spend my points on the goodies if they are in fact, good.

That's a funny thing about making the lifestyle change to healthier eating. Your taste buds really do adjust. Simpler, less high fat/high calorie foods really do start to taste a bit better. The big pay-off, besides the obvious health/fitness, is that when you do have a treat it tastes so much better than it did in the past. Because it's just that, a treat. Not just a part of your everyday. 

What I Typically Eat During the Week

Breakfast

Ok, first off...I know breakfast is the best time of the day to eat your carbs. However I have realized that unless I have a protein-rich breakfast I am going to be starving by lunch time. Snacking a lot does not work for me for several reasons so I go with what keeps me full the longest.


At least three days out of the week I have four slices of original (not the thick-cut) Oscar Meyer Center Cut Bacon. That's only two points of bacony-goodness. With it, I'll have three egg whites (one point). A few days ago I started making a pancake out of 2 1/2 tablespoons of Arbonne Chocolate Protein Powder, one egg, 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder, one tsp of olive oil, and one tblsp of water. This makes a four point pancake, on which I then add two tablespoons of sugar-free syrup for another point. For five points, I can satisfy a craving for carbs without actually eating them.

If I don't have time to make my precious, precious bacon I'll have an 8oz protein shake made with milk (five points) or a Clif bar. Occasionally, I'll have oatmeal. I wish I could love oatmeal as much as I should, but I just don't.

Lunch

I try to stay away from processed/preservative-laden/can't read the ingredient list foods as much as possible. I rarely have them at breakfast and even rarer at dinner. But I have a hard time completely eliminating them from my weekday lunches. My typical lunch at work looks like this:

That's some salad greens with mushrooms and cucumber, a bit of the Salad Spritz for dressing, a Mini-Babybell Cheese, some grapes and a Lean Pocket.

I'll sub in a pita with a low-sodium ham or turkey, or tuna onto the salad or on some whole wheat bread...but more often than not I go with the Lean Pocket. As a Food Addict, finishing a meal feeling satisfied (notice I didn't say "full." Two very different concepts) is incredibly important for me. If I go too long without eating something that leaves me feeling satisifed, then I set myself up for a binge. 

   

So, I sacrifice my attempts at clean eating a bit in the effort of not losing it completely.

With my lunch I drink water, Sobe zero calorie flavored waters or Sparkling Ice. It's not naturally flavored like Sobe, (splenda, I believe) which stinks...but I have to mix it up every once in awhile.

Afternoon Snack

On the way home from work I usually drink a bottle of water and eat a handful of baby carrots. This goes along way towards keeping me from raiding the cabinets while I am waiting for dinner. If I really can't wait, I usually keep the 90 calorie Fiber One bars around for an emergency. 

Dinner

Lots of stir-fries! We used to make a tofu stir-fry at least once a week. Super filling and yummy but crazy low in calories. And then I found out that soy and thyroid issues are not a good mix. I have Hasimoto's and had half of my thyroid removed several years ago, when I grew an orange sized...thing. What is it with me and fruit-sized growths? Anyhoodles, I'm on Synthroid, so no more soy stuff for me. So we just use chicken and shrimp now. Lots of broccolli, zucchinni, onion, mushrooms whatevers in the fridge, really.

We also often sautee Tilapia or make the old baked-chicken-breasts-in-mushroom soup and serve that with Jasmine or Basmati rice and some sort of green vegetable. Lately, we've really been digging the Banging Good Shrimp from the Skinny Taste site

That recipe introduced me to Sriracha and has changed my life. I should have listened to the Oatmeal sooner. His homage to Sriracha.

What I'm Gaining By Losing

I can get on my horse from the ground with ease.

It's somehow much easier to swing my leg over my motorcycle.

My bath towels fit all the way around my body.

My everyday, chronic back pain is completely gone.

I can shop in any store.

I can wear shorts and belts.

I fit in those molded plastic patio chairs without my fat spilling out the sides or fear of breaking them.

I don't have to order extra wide boots to fit over my calf.

I can run from the barn to the house for something without getting winded, same goes for running upstairs at work.

I don't have to worry about weight limits stopping me from participating in certain activities. (zip lines, horseback tours, etc)

I don't fear not fitting properly on amusement park rides.

I can jump and dance around with the kids at work without fear of the jiggling traumatizing them.

Airplane seats suddenly got a lot bigger.

I don't live in fear of being filmed from behind by a local news crew reporting on the obesity epidemic.

I'm starting to be able to cash the checks  my inner bad-ass has always wanted to write.

It's Cantaloupe Day!

Today is the first anniversary of the day I decided to get fit. One year ago today I had a hysterectomy and a cantaloupe-sized ovarian cyst removed. The cancer scare alone was enough to have me thinking that I needed to get my act together health-wise. But it wasn't until those first days after surgery when everything clicked. Those of you who have fought food addiction, or any other addiction for that matter, know exactly what I am talking about. You tell yourself every morning that you're going to quit smoking, or eat better, or quit drinking, but until you are truly ready, every day ends the same way. If you are lucky though, one day you become ready...some have to hit their proverbial rock bottom first, some don't. But some way, some how, that click has to happen. No amount of cajoling or lecturing from anyone can force it.

Sitting at home in the week or two after the surgery, I was feeling as weak and worthless as I have ever felt. Though I had been holding on to 250 + lbs for several years, its affects on my life were very gradual. I credit my Eastern European heritage (Strong, like bull) with letting me get away with carrying so much extra weight for so long. However, in the past year or so it had really begun to slow me down and effect what I could or could not do, be it on vacations or in every day life. Pair that with the kick-in-the-ass that major abdominal surgery is, and you had me at my weakest. Then I saw a commercial for Nike or something like it. Just a montage of women running and climbing.

CLICK.

I. Want. That.

Not her body, but the ability. The potential to run and jump and do things...gracefully, effortlessly, and without pain.

And that is what this past year (and the future) is about. It's not about the size of the pants, or if I'm a hot momma. It's about my body working for me, and not against me. I started having dreams about running and climbing. In the dreams, I was light as a feather, yet strong. I was an athlete.

So I started doing Weight Watcher's online and I committed myself to at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio every day. Variety in my workouts and Adventure Racing keeps me motivated.

As of today, I have lost 65 lbs but I have gained so much more.

Andie Mitchell of the blog, "Can You Stay For Dinner?" did a series of posts about what you gain from losing. It's fantastic. Go read it. http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/what-i-miss-from-135lbs-ago/

And then come back tomorrow and read my personal version of those sentiments.

Have a great Cantaloupe Day!

Tales from the Scales

But first.....

......size 12s, baby!!! Yeah-ya!

OK, fine they are still a little muffin-toppy, hence a loose shirt today, but I really needed another pair of pants and I wasn't going to waste money on another pair of 14s. 

That said, let me tell you a little story about the scale and how ridiculous I am, and probably how most of us are about what it tells us. As I am sure I have mentioned before I am an everyday weigh-er. However, it only counts on Wednesdays, which is when I record it in my WW app. Not surprisingly my weight fluctuates every day in a pretty predictable pattern. Starting on Weigh-In Wednesday, it gets lower on Thursday, lower still on Friday, spikes back up through the weekend and drops again on Tuesday and Wednesday. But then last week I stayed at exactly 190.0 for about 5 days straight. Which I thought extremely odd. Then my college buddy came into town and I did not weight myself at all till Monday. A Monday that followed a weekend of using up all of my weekly and activity points and then some. Scale still read 190.0.

Ok, clearly something is amiss. So I started fussing with the scale, took the batteries in and out and ended up with numbers from 189.9 to 194.5 At which point I figured I must need new batteries. While at Target picking up the batteries, I saw a cheap dial scale and figured, "Why not pick it up for back-up?" So I brought it to work, followed the directions for calibration and it says I weight 215 lbs.

What? What? WHAAAAT? (insert Kyle's Mom's voice here)

I...I can't really still be over 200lbs, can I? Has the other scale been really off for a long time maybe? What if? No. That's silly, I have to be somewhere in the low 190s. Don't exactly know where but.....I couldn't possibly be? Could I?

(head shake)

So what exactly do I weigh? Honestly, for a few minutes I felt panicked. But I talked myself down off the ledge fairly quickly when it dawned on me: What in-all-that-is-holy does it freakin' matter? I'm (almost) fitting into size 12 jeans, my 14s are loose. In terms of fitness I am in better shape right now than I have ever been in my entire life. I surprise myself weekly with what my body has been accomplishing. And I'm going to give myself an anxiety attack over a number? No, sir. That is NOT what this past year has been about.

Now THAT said, of course I got new batteries for the scale. Let's not get crazy here, it's not like I am going to just throw the scale away. It is a very good tool for making sure I stay on top of things. 

But a number does not define me. My accomplishments and behavior are what define me.

Old habits die hard

An old college buddy visited for a long (though entirely too short) weekend. Even though we did a fair amount of physical activity (a challenging zipline/obstacle course one day, over 8 miles hiked another) we ate out a lot. Even though Kelly is a very health-minded person she was understandably in vacation-mode. Which was hard for me in a couple of ways. Sometimes I made the right choices, but then I felt like I might make her feel guilty for her's by comparison...or in order to not feel like I was acting "better than her" I would make an indulgent choice. Clearly, the answer is to make the right choice. A real friend, which she most certainly is, understands my food choices and is in fact quite proud of me.

It was very enlightening to realize in retrospect how much of our relationship in the past revolved around food...and how easy we find ourselves rationalizing our choices. I remember in the past (and sure enough, again this weekend) we'd both say "Well, we surely walked off so many calories walking around the mall, or hiking (etc) we totally deserve this (insert indulgent food here)."

I grew up having the same conversation with my mother and even just to myself. What I realize now is that my body doesn't "earn" indulgent food. I think, perhaps, I should view it as the opposite. My body earns, or deserves good food. Indulgent food is actually a punishment for it. Now, don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree there is nothing wrong with a little something-something outside your usual caloric/fat/whatever choices. But I need to make sure that that something is something I really want. And it needs to be indulged in really infrequently.

Through Saturday afternoon I had been making really good choices. We were at the mall and she suggested a Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel. I agreed and it was wonderful. I savored every bit of it. And had that been it, there would be nothing to feel guilty about. But of course we ended up going bowling that night, which led to bowling alley fries and the next you thing you know I'm having another burger and more fries for lunch the next day. By yesterday evening I felt like crap mentally and physically. Mostly mentally. I couldn't believe I'd let myself slip into those old habits.

But it's a new day. I'm proud of how many meals I didn't go whole-hog on, and in a bizarre way I am actually glad I feel so guilty about the bad choices I made. Because in the past I would not have felt bad at all. I'd just default to "Oh, I'll just start eating better later." or even worse and most likely, not even realize how very bad the choices even were. Looking up Point Values while out to eat continues to be such an eye opener to me. We played "What's the worse things you can order?" game several times and it never fails to blow my mind.

We went to breakfast this morning before I went to work and she headed for the airport. I made good choices and I'll be running at lunch today, just in case this evening gets too busy. I enjoyed my friend's visit immensely, but  my body and mind are ready to get back to routine.

Before and Currently

A little 'Before' action for you. This was taken a few years ago but is pretty representative of where I was a year ago. I held on to 250lbs for several years. With my former amount of activity and intake, my body maintained that weight happily. (in a perverse way)

At last month's Adventure Race about 195. I've been playing with same 5lbs for the past month. 194 is the lowest I have gotten thus far. I am committed now to getting to 180 for May 9th. That date is the one year anniversary of my hysterectomy and cantelope removal that inspired this transition to a new, fit lifestyle. 

I'm not going to lie, like everyone else I want to lose weight and get fit as fast as possible, but at the same time I knew my only hope in truly being successful was in doing it slowly. Via a lifestyle change, not a diet. Have I gotten frustrated at the pace at times? Hells yeah! But I also know that those who take it off slowly have a much higher success rate in terms of keeping it off. I know now and accept that I will always have to journal my food. I always have to get in at least 30 minutes of real exercise 5-6 days a week. (strolls/leisure hikes don't really count)

And that's ok. A few years ago I had half of my thyroid taken out and I have to take Synthroid every day too. It is what it is. There is no end to this process, well other than ya know, death.

And of course the fringe benefit, beyond a longer, more productive life is that I can do stuff now! I don't have to research the Zip Line or Trail Riding Outfit ahead of time to find out if I am within their weight restrictions. I'm doing mother-loving Adventure RACES! Fairly well, even! I can get on my horse from the ground like it ain't no thing.  A year ago with a mounting block I was struggling. Ass is seriously being kicked. By me.

I'd like to amend that old "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" saying. You can take your skinny and your size 0 pants and shove it. 

Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels.

Self-Righteous Weight-Loss

I have to preface this by saying if you are overweight and take control of your health, be it by counting calories, using pre-packaged meals, exercise, surgery or any combination of the above or other means, GOOD FOR YOU! (that was an emphatic capitalization, not a sarcastic one. I mean it.)

However, I'm gonna toss some truth at your eyeholes. Some of those who do it without surgical methods do feel a little self-righteous towards those who do. How do I know? Because I'm one of them. I didn't even realize that I felt that way about it until I started talking to a new friend. I found out, several months after having met her, that she lost over 100 lbs in the past year. We started talking about our food addiction issues and how she wants to exercise more. I was giving her tips on how to train for her first 5K. We really started bonding over our conversations about our continual struggle with food and exercise. And then I found out a few weeks later via someone else that she had a gastric bypass. My honest-to-goodness first thought was, "What??!? That's cheating! You can't pretend to have such a hard time sticking to your diet and all the rest when you've had the surgery! I've had to WORK my ass off for every pound. Hell, if I puked everytime I ate more than I was supposed to I would have hit goal weight months ago." Yeah, I know. Not nice, brain.

You see the thing of it is, we who have lost weight without surgery do not judge those who have. We don't think you are weaker than us and that we are inherently better people. However a lot of us would be lying if we didn't say we felt (sometimes) that you took the easier way out. In truth, I know that the surgeries are FAR from easy and have their own difficulties.

However, when a surgical "loser" tries to commiserate in regards to food issues with a non-surgical "loser" the latter is going to be rolling her mental eyes a little bit.

Is it right? Probably not. The differences kind of remind me of the Stay-At-Home Mommy vs. Working Mom issue. Both are ultimately working towards the same goal, but there is a lot of self-righteousness and eye rolling going on in both camps. Of course I believe all sides should put it all aside and just support each other. So why bother with this post? Seeing as it might piss off some people who have had the surgeries?

Because it is a feeling I've noticed pop up in myself a few times now, and the internet has taught me nothing (other than how bad Cat Grammar is) if not that whatever you are feeling/experiencing there are a hell of a lot of other people feeling/experiencing it too. One hopes that by acknowledging said less-than-positive feelings some personal growth will result. One would hope.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding? If this does get read by anyone it'll probably just start a flame war. Whatevs, I got my suit on.

There Are No Good Antonyms For Self-Control

If there were, the title of this post would be "Revisiting the Land of ____." As it stands I did not think "Revisiting the Land of No Self-Control" had a very good ring to it.

I'd been feeling a binge coming for the past week or two. Generally speaking, I don't deny myself things, so I'd tried to satisfy the cravings in a healthy-way. But that was the problem. I wasn't craving a particular thing. There was no "taste" for anything in particular that I was looking for, but instead a desire to eat without consequence. To make or buy the types of foods I have generally tried my best to avoid completely. The processed stuff, the items with ridiculously high caloric and/or fat values. Quite honestly I miss them not. Usually. And that's because I have become really good at finding foods that are healthy and filling and (most importantly) make me happy.

But something in my addict brain tripped the past week or two. I want to be healthy and fit now more than ever. That desire has not waned. But running right alongside it recently has been the desire to eat. A lot. And not the foods that I know are best for me. I talked to a couple of friends about it. One even said, "Well, maybe you should just go ahead and have a cheat day. Get it out of your system." I disagreed, thinking it might make things worse. Though the choice I made was even worse in retrospect. I could not escape the desire, so for the past week I've indulged it...a little at a time. Portion sizes were bigger than they should have been when we got take-out on Thursday. Mashed potatoes instead of just veggies at dinner and then a shared desert on Saturday night, when I knew there'd be some beer drinking going on as well. A not "healthy" choice of entree when were out to lunch Sunday. None of the meals were really bad, and quite frankly on their own, amongst my usual meals, they would have been no big deal. A few weekly points used, but no big thing. But I was doing it at many of my meals over the past week. And then Dave had to drive a friend down to Miami last night, leaving  Holden and I on our own for dinner.

We got a bag of pizza rolls and a box of those TGI Fridays potato skins. Granted, they weren't the "Family" sized bags/boxes, but still. We split the pizza rolls, but I ate all the potato skins myself. We bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. He ate 3, I ate the rest over the course of the evening.

By the end of the pizza rolls and cupcakes, I wasn't remotely hungry or even enjoying it. It was as if I trying to punish myself, force feeding myself the remaining cupcakes. "Fine! You want to be a pig? Eat ALL the fucking cupcakes, Porker!"

Wow...got a little dark there.

And of course, I did the perennial binge-behavior: tried to bury the evidence in the garbage so my husband would not see what I had done. Why? I have no idea. He doesn't monitor what I eat. He's a great supporter of my fitness and weight loss efforts, but he is most certainly not one to criticize or question my methods.The worst I might realistically expect to hear is "Why didn't you save any for me?"

But that's the thing isn't it? If he was around I would not have bought the cupcakes. I wouldn't have bought the pizza rolls or potato skins either. I know I am working on improving my health and fitness for myself, not for him. But why is it his presence that keeps me on task? Granted, I workout everyday whether he knows it or not. But the food issue? When I do succumb to binges, it's when he's not around. And that's always been the case.

Why?

All that said, I feel good today. Made good choices for breakfast and lunch and fully expect to do so tonight. Ran 2.5 miles at lunch and have to teach the PreSchool Fitness class this afternoon. I feel....back on track. Almost...relieved. Maybe there is something to be said for my friend's advice, though I am still skeptical.

Only time will tell.

Treasure Coast Adventure Race

Don't you just love it when you're right? Remember me mentioning how much stronger Dave is than I at mountain biking? And yeah sure, I also mentioned that we both thought that maybe the differences in our bikes had a little something to do with the disparity in our fitness levels. Well, it turns it had ALL to do with the bikes! He wasn't happy about it, but we traded bikes for last weekend's AR and lookie here! Who's having to stop and wait for who now?
Get this! Turns out when you ride a bike that DOESN'T suck off-road, mountain biking can actually be kinda fun! Who knew?
Needless to say our total time did not improve much on the bike since now he was stuck with the bike-from-hell. However, I am so jazzed to know that with a better bike we are going to be going a LOT faster on that leg.

So how did the Out of Steam Punks do this go around?

He claimed on FB that if he had remembered his spurs we'd have placed even higher.

My husband is a funny man.

8th place out of 28 teams, baby!!!! We ended up getting all of the Control Points, but we were 8 minutes late coming back from the canoe. Considering how slow we really are, the potential for improvement is great. Which makes us both very happy. We race smart, not fast, you see. So once we get fast too, watch out top 5! We're coming for you! 

I seem to acquire battle scars with each event. At the Lighterknot I fell off the bike unsuccessfully hopping off a bridge. I ended up with all kinds of interesting bruises from the obstacles at the Warrior Dash. At this one, during the Trek, I found the one root on the sandy trail and face-planted....as well as scraped the hell out of my leg (Thorny Vine-1, Me-0) while rushing away from a Control Point. 

Bruises and scars are cool.

No more Adventure Races until March 3rd, but going to do a 5K this Saturday. And with the exception of Megacon 2/24-2/26 we'll be doing a lot of outdoorsy things on the weekends till then. Now to cruise Craigslist and find a new bike so that I can whip Dave's bu...I mean, work better cooperatively with my teammate.

Warrior Stroll

If you're not familiar with the Warrior Dash events check this out: www.warriordash.com

I'll say this: the Adventure Races are way more difficult in pretty much every way. However, I've got to admit that this event really hit home how far I have come, physically speaking.

I had every intention of running between the obstacles as much as possible, but it became evident pretty quick that Dave did not agree with my plan. Since we went into this event as a goof, and I was afraid I might need his help with some of the obstacles, we stuck together.

I saw the cameras coming and made him jog past them with me.

As it turns out I did not need his help at all. I was able to complete all of the obstacles in relative ease, with nary a boost or helping hand. And that includes the 20' climbing wall. Honestly, I about teared up when I got to the top. It was the kind with a rope and a few very narrow toe-holds. There is absolutely NO WAY I would have been able to complete that obstacle a year ago. Hell, even the 4-4.5' walls earlier in the race would have required a leg-up. And I don't know how I would have gotten onto the floating dock.Of course the photographers were no where to be seen at the climbing wall. (kicks a rock)

Oh well. But at least I got my super cool fire jumping pic!

The Warrior Dash was a real blast. I highly recommend it to anyone. You don't have to go like hell, just come out and get muddy. 

Did I mention you'll get muddy?

This event meant so much to me. Since the hysterectomy I have dreamed, prayed, and wished to be the kind of person who does this kind of stuff. Jumping in without worrying about the particulars. I've longed to be able to just trust that my body is going to cooperate and help me do whatever it is I want to do. It is so humiliating and frustrating when your brain and your body are at such odds. I guess it wouldn't have mattered so much if I was one who didn't want to be active. Who was content coming home from work and watching TV. Who spent vacations shopping or touring, as opposed to hiking, and rafting and riding. To realize that the dream of being "fit" is truly coming to fruition was awesome. Really awesome. 

That said, after the race you get a free beer, they have food and live bands. It's very much a Festival Type atmosphere. Lots of folks in funny costumes, an extremely jovial crowd. 

It's not a cheap entry fee, but you get a nice t-shirt, and a really nice medal. Which is now hanging in my car as reminder of how far I have come.

7/26/11 - On Being a Fat Skinny Person

I am sure it is no huge shock to anyone that losing, or trying to lose, a substantial amount of weight can be a real mind-fuck. There are the obvious similarities between drug addiction and food addiction, but that is a post for another day. What’s been on my mind lately is the body image ups and downs that happen during the process of weight loss.

I’m the first to admit it; I am a product of my generation and my country. I want it and I want it now! (Yeah. We know. Shut up Veruca!) Once I have decided to change my habits, I want to see results. Maybe not immediately but in a timely fucking manner.  

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers and getting a fair amount of consistent exercise since mid-May. I’ve lost 25 pounds. I’m still wearing the same jeans, but they are a bit looser. I’m able to fit into several shirts that I have not been able to wear in quite some time. My endurance/fitness level is greatly improved. When I am laying in bed and poking and prodding at myself I can feel that I am thinner. While I’m on it….you dopoke and prod yourself too right? It sounds odd, but it’s a good practice to get into. It is how I discovered the cantaloupe sized ovarian cyst….but again, a post for another day.

That said, I’ll have moments in the day when I feel like I am looking good…dare I say, a “normal” regulation sized human being. But then I’ll remind myself of how much I actually weigh (225 currently) or look in a mirror and realize, “Uh. No.To the rest of the world you are still a fat chick.” Let it not go without saying that I am aware that their are folks in this world who are fat and are ok with it. If you are, go on with your bad self. But I don’t want to be that way anymore. I don’t want to look it, I don’t want to feel it. It’s not because I think fat is ugly or because I think people will love me more if I am thinner. It’s because in my head I am not fat. The title of this post is a bit of a misnomer as, in my head, I am not skinny either. 

In my head I am fit. I am an athlete. I do not fantasize about being able to wear runway clothes or wear a string bikini. I fantasize about climbing mountains, and running, and mountain biking, and surfing, and riding dirtbikes and not needing help picking it up if I drop it in the sand, and getting on my horse from the ground without it being a freaking project.

I want to be, nay, I AM a badass. I’ve never let my size get in the way of anything. If I want to dance, I’ll dance. If I want to go to the pool, I’ll go to the pool. I’ve never, ever been one of those “people of size” who stop themselves from doing the things they want to do because they are embarrassed by their appearance. 

However, it’s becoming more and more apparent that my size is preventing me from enjoying the things I like to do at the level I would like. Hence, the desire to finally mold my body into the image in my mind.

The frustrating point right now is that the image is in constant flux. Unfortunately, the constant play in that body image results in a lot of mental stress. It’s funny, (not funny ha-ha) how before I had decided to make some changes, how less aware I was of my size. I suppose it is an ‘ignorance is bliss’ kind of thing. Don’t look at too many pictures, don’t focus on any full length mirrors, keep living life and my mind was able to convince me that I was indeed nowhere near as fat as my weight would suggest. Then thanks to some fun health related issues this year I was forced to realize that maybe, just maybe, it would behoove me to lose some weight.

And then the obsession begins. Initially I was sick over how fat I’d let myself become, but felt good about the fact that I was doing something about it. And then one starts getting frustrated that it is not coming off fast enough and the feelings defeat start. And then you get to the point where I am at now…the results are really starting to show, little by very little.

But I don’t know who I am anymore.

I went walking with a couple of friends last night. Both want to lose weight, but neither are what I would classify as overweight. We started walking the mile long bridge in our town and when I got to the top I started jogging, and proceeded to do so all the way down. Walked back up the other side, jogged back down. The other gals could not jog at all. Naturally, that made me feel pretty good. “Look at me! I’m an athlete!” When I came home, I felt good. I felt powerful. Weighed myself this morning and seeing that I’m still 225…BAM! I’m a fat-ass again.

It ain’t right. It aint’ healthy. But…and I know some people hate this phrase (suck it) it is what it is. I need to just keep on, keepin’ on (Am I good with the overused cliche’s or what?) and power through. So when will my mental image of a bad-ass athletic momma ever jive with reality? Without second guessing? I don’t know for sure…you’ll just have to stay tuned. Though I have a strong suspicion, as this is not my first rodeo, it’ll be when I can consistently shop in the regular section of a clothing store, or do cool things on vacation that don’t have me wondering if there is a weight limit I am going to surpass and/or quite frankly, when I get below 200 pounds.

But for now, I’m riding the crazy train and I don’t think it’s stopping any time soon. Toot! Toot

7/25/11 - Before & Laters

What’s a blog about a chick who is trying to lose weight without some humiliating photos?

The Befores were taken in the beginning of January 2011, and show me at about 251ish. Note the natural hair color and rocking skunk stripe.

The Afters are minus a gallbladder, cervix, uterus, cantaloupe-sized ovarian cyst, and about 25 pounds. They were taken this evening.