What I'm Gaining By Losing

I can get on my horse from the ground with ease.

It's somehow much easier to swing my leg over my motorcycle.

My bath towels fit all the way around my body.

My everyday, chronic back pain is completely gone.

I can shop in any store.

I can wear shorts and belts.

I fit in those molded plastic patio chairs without my fat spilling out the sides or fear of breaking them.

I don't have to order extra wide boots to fit over my calf.

I can run from the barn to the house for something without getting winded, same goes for running upstairs at work.

I don't have to worry about weight limits stopping me from participating in certain activities. (zip lines, horseback tours, etc)

I don't fear not fitting properly on amusement park rides.

I can jump and dance around with the kids at work without fear of the jiggling traumatizing them.

Airplane seats suddenly got a lot bigger.

I don't live in fear of being filmed from behind by a local news crew reporting on the obesity epidemic.

I'm starting to be able to cash the checks  my inner bad-ass has always wanted to write.

It's Cantaloupe Day!

Today is the first anniversary of the day I decided to get fit. One year ago today I had a hysterectomy and a cantaloupe-sized ovarian cyst removed. The cancer scare alone was enough to have me thinking that I needed to get my act together health-wise. But it wasn't until those first days after surgery when everything clicked. Those of you who have fought food addiction, or any other addiction for that matter, know exactly what I am talking about. You tell yourself every morning that you're going to quit smoking, or eat better, or quit drinking, but until you are truly ready, every day ends the same way. If you are lucky though, one day you become ready...some have to hit their proverbial rock bottom first, some don't. But some way, some how, that click has to happen. No amount of cajoling or lecturing from anyone can force it.

Sitting at home in the week or two after the surgery, I was feeling as weak and worthless as I have ever felt. Though I had been holding on to 250 + lbs for several years, its affects on my life were very gradual. I credit my Eastern European heritage (Strong, like bull) with letting me get away with carrying so much extra weight for so long. However, in the past year or so it had really begun to slow me down and effect what I could or could not do, be it on vacations or in every day life. Pair that with the kick-in-the-ass that major abdominal surgery is, and you had me at my weakest. Then I saw a commercial for Nike or something like it. Just a montage of women running and climbing.

CLICK.

I. Want. That.

Not her body, but the ability. The potential to run and jump and do things...gracefully, effortlessly, and without pain.

And that is what this past year (and the future) is about. It's not about the size of the pants, or if I'm a hot momma. It's about my body working for me, and not against me. I started having dreams about running and climbing. In the dreams, I was light as a feather, yet strong. I was an athlete.

So I started doing Weight Watcher's online and I committed myself to at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio every day. Variety in my workouts and Adventure Racing keeps me motivated.

As of today, I have lost 65 lbs but I have gained so much more.

Andie Mitchell of the blog, "Can You Stay For Dinner?" did a series of posts about what you gain from losing. It's fantastic. Go read it. http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/what-i-miss-from-135lbs-ago/

And then come back tomorrow and read my personal version of those sentiments.

Have a great Cantaloupe Day!

Before and Currently

A little 'Before' action for you. This was taken a few years ago but is pretty representative of where I was a year ago. I held on to 250lbs for several years. With my former amount of activity and intake, my body maintained that weight happily. (in a perverse way)

At last month's Adventure Race about 195. I've been playing with same 5lbs for the past month. 194 is the lowest I have gotten thus far. I am committed now to getting to 180 for May 9th. That date is the one year anniversary of my hysterectomy and cantelope removal that inspired this transition to a new, fit lifestyle. 

I'm not going to lie, like everyone else I want to lose weight and get fit as fast as possible, but at the same time I knew my only hope in truly being successful was in doing it slowly. Via a lifestyle change, not a diet. Have I gotten frustrated at the pace at times? Hells yeah! But I also know that those who take it off slowly have a much higher success rate in terms of keeping it off. I know now and accept that I will always have to journal my food. I always have to get in at least 30 minutes of real exercise 5-6 days a week. (strolls/leisure hikes don't really count)

And that's ok. A few years ago I had half of my thyroid taken out and I have to take Synthroid every day too. It is what it is. There is no end to this process, well other than ya know, death.

And of course the fringe benefit, beyond a longer, more productive life is that I can do stuff now! I don't have to research the Zip Line or Trail Riding Outfit ahead of time to find out if I am within their weight restrictions. I'm doing mother-loving Adventure RACES! Fairly well, even! I can get on my horse from the ground like it ain't no thing.  A year ago with a mounting block I was struggling. Ass is seriously being kicked. By me.

I'd like to amend that old "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" saying. You can take your skinny and your size 0 pants and shove it. 

Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels.

There Are No Good Antonyms For Self-Control

If there were, the title of this post would be "Revisiting the Land of ____." As it stands I did not think "Revisiting the Land of No Self-Control" had a very good ring to it.

I'd been feeling a binge coming for the past week or two. Generally speaking, I don't deny myself things, so I'd tried to satisfy the cravings in a healthy-way. But that was the problem. I wasn't craving a particular thing. There was no "taste" for anything in particular that I was looking for, but instead a desire to eat without consequence. To make or buy the types of foods I have generally tried my best to avoid completely. The processed stuff, the items with ridiculously high caloric and/or fat values. Quite honestly I miss them not. Usually. And that's because I have become really good at finding foods that are healthy and filling and (most importantly) make me happy.

But something in my addict brain tripped the past week or two. I want to be healthy and fit now more than ever. That desire has not waned. But running right alongside it recently has been the desire to eat. A lot. And not the foods that I know are best for me. I talked to a couple of friends about it. One even said, "Well, maybe you should just go ahead and have a cheat day. Get it out of your system." I disagreed, thinking it might make things worse. Though the choice I made was even worse in retrospect. I could not escape the desire, so for the past week I've indulged it...a little at a time. Portion sizes were bigger than they should have been when we got take-out on Thursday. Mashed potatoes instead of just veggies at dinner and then a shared desert on Saturday night, when I knew there'd be some beer drinking going on as well. A not "healthy" choice of entree when were out to lunch Sunday. None of the meals were really bad, and quite frankly on their own, amongst my usual meals, they would have been no big deal. A few weekly points used, but no big thing. But I was doing it at many of my meals over the past week. And then Dave had to drive a friend down to Miami last night, leaving  Holden and I on our own for dinner.

We got a bag of pizza rolls and a box of those TGI Fridays potato skins. Granted, they weren't the "Family" sized bags/boxes, but still. We split the pizza rolls, but I ate all the potato skins myself. We bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. He ate 3, I ate the rest over the course of the evening.

By the end of the pizza rolls and cupcakes, I wasn't remotely hungry or even enjoying it. It was as if I trying to punish myself, force feeding myself the remaining cupcakes. "Fine! You want to be a pig? Eat ALL the fucking cupcakes, Porker!"

Wow...got a little dark there.

And of course, I did the perennial binge-behavior: tried to bury the evidence in the garbage so my husband would not see what I had done. Why? I have no idea. He doesn't monitor what I eat. He's a great supporter of my fitness and weight loss efforts, but he is most certainly not one to criticize or question my methods.The worst I might realistically expect to hear is "Why didn't you save any for me?"

But that's the thing isn't it? If he was around I would not have bought the cupcakes. I wouldn't have bought the pizza rolls or potato skins either. I know I am working on improving my health and fitness for myself, not for him. But why is it his presence that keeps me on task? Granted, I workout everyday whether he knows it or not. But the food issue? When I do succumb to binges, it's when he's not around. And that's always been the case.

Why?

All that said, I feel good today. Made good choices for breakfast and lunch and fully expect to do so tonight. Ran 2.5 miles at lunch and have to teach the PreSchool Fitness class this afternoon. I feel....back on track. Almost...relieved. Maybe there is something to be said for my friend's advice, though I am still skeptical.

Only time will tell.

Warrior Stroll

If you're not familiar with the Warrior Dash events check this out: www.warriordash.com

I'll say this: the Adventure Races are way more difficult in pretty much every way. However, I've got to admit that this event really hit home how far I have come, physically speaking.

I had every intention of running between the obstacles as much as possible, but it became evident pretty quick that Dave did not agree with my plan. Since we went into this event as a goof, and I was afraid I might need his help with some of the obstacles, we stuck together.

I saw the cameras coming and made him jog past them with me.

As it turns out I did not need his help at all. I was able to complete all of the obstacles in relative ease, with nary a boost or helping hand. And that includes the 20' climbing wall. Honestly, I about teared up when I got to the top. It was the kind with a rope and a few very narrow toe-holds. There is absolutely NO WAY I would have been able to complete that obstacle a year ago. Hell, even the 4-4.5' walls earlier in the race would have required a leg-up. And I don't know how I would have gotten onto the floating dock.Of course the photographers were no where to be seen at the climbing wall. (kicks a rock)

Oh well. But at least I got my super cool fire jumping pic!

The Warrior Dash was a real blast. I highly recommend it to anyone. You don't have to go like hell, just come out and get muddy. 

Did I mention you'll get muddy?

This event meant so much to me. Since the hysterectomy I have dreamed, prayed, and wished to be the kind of person who does this kind of stuff. Jumping in without worrying about the particulars. I've longed to be able to just trust that my body is going to cooperate and help me do whatever it is I want to do. It is so humiliating and frustrating when your brain and your body are at such odds. I guess it wouldn't have mattered so much if I was one who didn't want to be active. Who was content coming home from work and watching TV. Who spent vacations shopping or touring, as opposed to hiking, and rafting and riding. To realize that the dream of being "fit" is truly coming to fruition was awesome. Really awesome. 

That said, after the race you get a free beer, they have food and live bands. It's very much a Festival Type atmosphere. Lots of folks in funny costumes, an extremely jovial crowd. 

It's not a cheap entry fee, but you get a nice t-shirt, and a really nice medal. Which is now hanging in my car as reminder of how far I have come.

8/26/11 - And On That Day Some Ass Was Kicked

And it wasn’t my own for once. Husband, child and I were in Colorado recently for vacation. Rocky Mountain National Park to be exact. I’d been using the upcoming trip as a major motivator since I started doing Weight Watchers and working out back in May. As much as I wish it was, health and looks alone are not enough to keep me motivated. However, the experience of vacationing in the mountains and acting as if I was fit for the past several years, when I clearly was not, was a very good motivator. I also hoped to get my weight below the limits set for the various activities in which I planned to participate. And you know what? I freakin’ DID IT!

I felt good, GREAT! We were on quite a few hikes, that resulted in me having to bite my tongue and not give hubby and kid a hard time because they were sooooo slow. Now in reality, I know me. If their fitness level had been to mine, or I had gone on ahead, I would have gone faster for a while…and then probably pooped out and/or been sore at night like I’d always been in the past. The pace we went, I’m pretty sure, was actually the pace I needed to hike. But Gosh-Damn if it wasn’t awesome to go on a long hike and not regret the decisions 1/4 of the way through. Woot!

Despite walking 2 to 5.5 miles a day, up and down mountains most of 10 days, I still came home with 5 lb gain. A week later however, I am less than a pound away from when I left. Not surprisingly, I did not count points while we were away. I was ok with that decision, then and now. It was an experiment, if you will.  While we were away we ate wisely for breakfast and lunch. However, at dinner I ate whatever I wanted. We also had some kind of treat midday almost every day. We, uh, visited the local Cupcakery several times. So one of the lessons learned? If you get consistent exercise and eat “less than perfect” foods every few days, sure, you can probably maintain. But if you do it everyday, no amount of exercise is going to help you. 

Before I drown in a sea of “Well, DUH!” Let me explain. Despite being a college graduate, librarian for a good sized library system, and overall responsible adult, I am only really just learning that lesson. Or to be more truthful, I am learning how to put that lesson into practice. Which of course is a lot of what WW tries to teach us. 

Be mindful and be moderate. 

I started a binge the other nigh. Thankfully I was able to stop before it got out of control. Just another event that really makes me realize what a Food Addict I am. But (to me) it’s not about never allowing yourself that piece of you son’s birthday cake. It’s about being mindful of what you eat and then being moderate in your eating before and after that piece of cake. You know, like what sane people do?When I got back from vacation, there was a part of me that was hopeful that I hadn’t gained at all…hell, we were climbing mountains most days! But when I really sat and thought about what I ate, between the treats and dinners there was no hope. If I had been logging points the whole time it would have been abundantly obvious. Therefore without forcing myself to be mindful, via a food diary, there is NO hope in being moderate. The brain, or mine anyways, unless forced to face reality via something like WW Points will just rationalize like there is no tomorrow. Which is exactly why I was and am as heavy as I am. 

8/5/11 - Cause I'm a Winnah, No, not a Losah

Actually kinda feeling like both today. (puffs out chest) Found myself with a nice loss this week. FINALLY.Woot!

My morning walking buddy wasn’t feeling well and texted me at 6:00 am that she wasn’t going. I thought for a moment, “Meh, maybe I’ll skip it too.” And then I said to myself, “Self, you’re probably not going to want to go to the gym tonight so’se you can come straight home and spend more time with Husband as he’s leaving late tonight on his motorcycle trip. Annnnd you’ll probably want to go out to eat or something tonight so…GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND GO WALK FAT ASS!!”

And you know what?    I did!

I know! I almost tore a muscle patting myself on the back.

As I was packing my lunch I had a weird thought, which I should have recognized as a precursor of things to come. Just a little whisper of a voice that said, “Hey, it’s Friday you know. Why not just screw this packing lunch crap and get something GOOOOOD for lunch? You’ve earned it.” But it was a quiet voice, and not persistent, so I ignored it and packed my Smart Ones Mini-Pizzas and Diet Cokes and apples.

On my way to work I stopped by CVS to get some Claritin. Sweet Tap-dancing Christ on a Cracker! That whisper turned into a motherfucking YELL, “C’MON IT’S FRIDAY! It’s almost vacation time! Hell, your husband is leaving tonight! You’ve been soooooo good for so long. You deserve this. What? You gonna be a pussy and be a slave to everyone who thinks you need to be perfect all the time? Fuck them, go get yourself a big bad of peanut clusters and Ruffles.”

And for the first time, maybe ever, but certainly in a long while, I realized the absurdity of the voice and everything that went with it. I didn’t rationalize with it. I didn’t bargain with it. I just bought my Claritin and other non-food bullshit and walked out the door. 

And yes, I was careful to use the other hand to pat myself on the back so as not to develop an overuse injury.

That said, I don’t now where the voice comes from….clearly there is something loose in my head that just craves the fatty foods. Can’t blame it on a salt vs sugar thing because the voice was calling for either. Can’t blame it on being hungry or anything in that range as I had a very well-balanced and healthy breakfast. I’m a little afraid that it might very well be a far more deep rooted psychological issue relating to not wanting the attention that losing weight (ie:looking better) brings. I have my reasons for thinking that which I’ll save for another day…..but for today I would just like to focus on my victories of which there were a few today.

I may be a little coo-coo-crazy-bananas but I’m also starting to feel a lot fitter and general kick-ass-ey. Which is cool.