So I guess this is how eating disorders are created.

Looking back on the time before I came to grips with my Food Addiction, I felt as if  I had a kind of body image issue that would be reverse of those I've heard anorexics and bulimics suffer. My understanding is that oftentimes, when an extremely underweight anorexic looks in the mirror they still see themselves as fat. I, on the other hand, could not see, even in a full length mirror (cause yeah, I did own one) how big I had become. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think I was skinny, mind you. Just, I don't know...zaftig, maybe? It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and not coincidentally started paying closer attention to some recent photos that I really saw it.

The crazy thing now is that I will look at myself in certain pictures from back then and specifically remember thinking I looked pretty dang good. And let me tell you my friends, I most certainly did not. And it's not just me. My buddy Dani, who has lost at least 90lbs in the past couple of years, says she has suffered from the same phenomenon.

And now? Now, some days we both "feel" fatter than we ever did when we were 75-90lbs heavier. That just makes all kinds of sense doesn't it? <sigh> I think for me anyways, it's about the fact that, initially, I just wanted to not be the fattest girl in the room anymore. I just wanted to be small enough to blend in. Nothing real specific in terms of body shape/size/strength/fitness. In fact my initial goal weight was 180lbs. I knew from past experience I looked pretty good there, and it was maintainable in my mind. In other words, the bar wasn't set that high...or low. Whatever. To put it in perspective, the concept of only have five or ten pounds  to lose was laughable to me. I didn't ever imagine getting to that point. More importantly, I couldn't imagine caring about just an extra  five or ten pounds.

But ....now that is where I find myself. I have friends who have quite literally said, "So you're not going to lose any more right?" And my thought is "Hell yeah, dear Lord! Do you not see all the fat still on me!" I have become one of "those women." The everyday ones, who sure, they weren't models, but whose bodies I literally would have given a pinky finger to have swapped bodies with two years ago. And now it's not enough. And I obsess.

What's gotten me this far into the journey (and is sustaining me) is my new found love for being fit and all the cool things you can do when you are. And that love of fitness has enlightened me to just how much physical potential I have. For the first time in my life, strong abs, killer arms, running a decent 5K pace, etc are actually within my reach. They're not something "for other people." Which is awesome. 

Mostly.

What bothers me just a bit is that, this new found attitiude...the expectations as mentioned in my last post

can result disappointment when they are not met. Just blending in isn't good enough anymore. Now I want to be the fittest in the room. 

So I'm putting pressure on myself. And obsessing about Primal eating 24/7. At which point do I chill out and accept that it's the journey, not destination? Part of me feels as if it is what it is, I'm a food addict I always will be a food addict and channeling the need to binge into as positive a mode as I can (reading obsessing about nutrition and fitness) is the best I can do. Of course the other part  of me wonders if I am healed enough to do as the other Primals do and stop counting calories/carbs. Ditch the scale completely. Eat what I am supposed to eat and let it go and move on with my life.

I am absolutely terrified that if I do this I will gain the weight back faster than you can eat a cupcake.

So for now I'm going to keep on keeping on. Keep reading. Keep journaling. I kind of wish I had something else going on in my life to distract me...and by something else I mean something fun. Not, ya know, my paid and unpaid "work." But I don't. And maybe that is for a reason.

Maybe.

Grok Feast

Inspired by Mark's Daily Apple, or more specifically; inspired by a contest to win a whole cow worth of meat from Mark's Daily Apple, my buddy Dani and I decided to rally the troops and put together our own Grok Feast.

We had it in my backyard. Also known at the St Sebastian River Preserve State Park. The Park rocks for many reasons, but one of them is the fact that they have hills. In South Florida! Can you believe it? They are there from digging out a ginormous canal. So we hiked and raced up them.

Wonder Woman ain't got nothing on us!

The Happy Hikers

And we tossed a ball at each other. Not so much with the catching, as it was a 10lb workout ball. The boys did some redneck sledding down the hill on a cooler top and rubbermaid box lid. Don't judge. We don't get snow. Ever. It's the best we can do.

We switched out to a lighter ball and played some kickball. Which was good fun. The grass was so long it made finding the bases particularly difficult, so some plays devolved into something reminiscent of Calvin-Ball.

And we ate. 

A lot.

I'll post details when the video and photo essay are done. But suffice it to say we ate Primally and we ate GOOD!

Oh, and Dave and I had an Adventure Race on Saturday, which rickety-rocked. I'll post a race report when I get the Team pics back. Stay tuned. Or don't. I'll still be here. Waiting to share my life with you. No pressure or anything.

It doesn't have to look good to taste good.

As I have probably mentioned, while Full Gorilla Fitness is on hiatus, Dave and I  and another couple from the group have been meeting a couple of times a week to continue our (beginner) Crossfit workouts. Yesterday was the usual warm-up and then four rounds of 10 tuck jumps, 10 pushups, and 10 situps.

We had supervision.

I usually put her back in the pasture or barn when they come over, but I was running late. She stood there the whole time looking at us like we were idiots. She's probably not wrong. Dave says she should be our mascot and we'll call ourselves, "Bad Horse Fitness." Bonus interweb-culture points if you got that reference.

Dinner last night was a Shredded Chicken I made in the crockpot. Throw in the chicken breasts, a jar of salsa, whatever spices handy and set on low all day. The recipe I used called for adding a 1/2 cup of coconut milk 30 minutes before serving. Served it up with some cauliflower rice. Yummers! Oh, cauliflower is there nothing you can't do?

Even after all that I was still wanting to nosh, so I put together this lovely plate.

Diarrhea and pee, with a side of human flesh.

Seriously, could that look any grosser? But it totally hit the spot and was totally Primal. Like, totally.

Super-Mega-Bonus Points if you can guess what is actually in the photo. I assure you I am neither a cannibal nor a fecalpheliac.

Getting my Primal on. Oh, and Shingles. I have the Shingles.

Seriously? Who even gets that? Me, evidently.
It's a mild case though and they've got me pumped full of Valtrex (No, it's not HERPES-Herpes) and Prednisone and a little Tramadol for fun.
The worst part is that I was closing in on two weeks eating according to the Primal Blueprint and had dropped a few pounds. I finally broke through that plateau I've been camped out on all summer. I saw the south end of 180 for the first time in over a decade and then a few days on the Prednisone and BOOM back to 181. Fingers crossed it's just water retention and will go away quickly when I finish with the Prednisone tomorrow.

So what's the Primal Blueprint diet/lifestyle/WHATever like? I thought you'd never ask. In short, if I had tried it when I first started trying to get to my act together I would not have done well on it. It would have been far too drastic a change, forgoing all grains, sugars, etc. It's all about just veggies, fruits and meat when you're Primal. However, over the last year I have been eating less and less processed foods as well as less rice and potatoes and certainly way less breads and other grains. And it goes without saying that the processed sugary stuff has been on the No-Go list for quite some time. So, that said...moving to a more strict Primal Diet really hasn't been that much of a transition.And there are some really great aspects to it. Did I mention it's ok to put butter on your veggies??!! I know, right??!! Turns out good fats and good carbs and/or protein together = a good thing. Fats of any kind and bad carbs = Fattty Fat McFatterpants.

And the best part? Dark fucking Chocolate! Fine, it's supposed to be an occasional indulgence, not an every day food, but hey at least it's on the "legal" list.

A part of me wishes I had learned about this sooner. 'Cause honestly you guys, the more I read about the science behind it the more I think "Duh! Of course! Why isn't this common knowledge??!!"  Then again, the benefit of not being an early adopter is the fact that you let everyone else figure out the ins and outs first. Since I'm just getting on the Paelo/Primal wagon now, there is already a metric crap-ton of awesome blogs and sites with all kinds of recipes for you-name-it. The go to if you want to learn more about the Primal Lifestyle is Mark Sisson's site. But my current fav for recipes and general snark is this one that my Crossfit Trainers, Jeramy & Larry, turned me on to. Great stuff.

This is Julie from Paelomg.com. Isn't she amazeballs? I want to be able to do what she                                              does and look like that. And the cool part is....I feel like it may actually be somewhat attainable.

Oh and did I mention in the previous post or two how the Crossfit and the Paleo/Primal stuff is all mixed together? Yeah, there's that. Which is cool. Even though I am starting to get a bit of a "one of us...one of us" vibe.

Pardon me now, while I go try to figure out how we're going to get our Crossfit workout in tonight despite Tropical Storm Isaac's never ending rain-bands.

Resistance is futile. We will assimilate.